Video games plonk you into the shoes of a number of different types of protagonists. Often it's as the up-and-coming hero or heroine, starting their journey to save a kingdom from an evil force, while some take a different direction using controllable animals, like the vibrantly animated Okami or the brilliant Untitled Goose Game.
Way down the crazy end of the spectrum, you have the unconventional, the confusing, and the downright absurd. Games like I Am Bread, Goat Simulator, and Getting Over It push the envelope into the realms of "so stupid it somehow works", but the following list of titles would cause the aforementioned video games to do a double take on what the hell they were looking at.
So, that got me thinking - are there maybe any games in which the big hero (and the playable character) actually is a dick... Like, literally a penis? Or a pair of balls, for that matter. And guess what? Of course these type of games exist!
Seven video games in which the player controls a penis
I guess you'd better prepare yourself for a fine dose of toilet humour because it's time to play with our little "Willy" today, as these are the 7 games where you'll get to control and play as a penis! Meet the "Hits from the Schlong". Enjoy... I think.
Kicking off our fabulous five is BOMB'X, a Bomberman clone created by the developers team MediaGoGo (from France) released in 1993 for the Amiga, Atari ST, and MS-DOS computers.
Now I know what you're thinking, the only thing that could improve the frenetic, puzzle action of Bomberman is multiple male genitals and virtually naked blonde women (for some people, that would improve a lot of things, but we'll not explore that tangent).
You can choose to play as 1 of 4, uhhh, "unique"? Themed? I'm not entirely sure how to describe the playable organs, but all of them have their own "look". The aim of the game being to maneuver across the Bomberman style board, collect enough erotic based bonuses like condoms (to protect you from the evil STDs) and jockey shorts which give you a speed boost (just like real life), all the while destroying various blocks and avoiding enemies to stay alive and functional.
Once you've collected enough bonuses, you'll be able to leap into bed with the lovely lady to proceed to the next level. You'll know you have enough bonuses as the bedded beauty will throw off the covers, revealing all to you to let you know it's business time.
Also, obviously you don't lay bombs, that would be completely ridiculous. Instead you shoot out...well, you can probably guess what you're firing out the "top of your head"...
So this is actually a sequel to the delightful BOMB'X, released just a year later by the very same lovely (and somewhat Schlong-obsessed) developers at MediaGoGo, but this time only released on the Atari ST and the Amiga.
Immediately, before you've even be able to press a button, you're presented with a main menu displaying the title of the game in huge letters, with an awkwardly placed JPEG of a topless woman in the bottom right corner, with her face down, butt up (presumably because that's the way she enjoys having intercourse), so that sets the tone right out of the gate.
The characters have had something of an overhaul in this entry (at least visually anyway), with both player characters having their own posh jacket, bow tie, an elegant walking cane, Player 2 has a bushy moustache and eyebrows, they've even modelled pubic hair onto the scrotum for crying out loud. You can't say these guys didn't care about their work.
Anyway, the game itself moves away from its Bomberman roots and this time borrows gameplay from the equally popular Q*BERT, with its isometric camera and movement controls, but to be fair, adds in more detailed environments, enemies, and multi-level paths and puzzles. The goal of the game being to find your girlfriend by assembling mosaic puzzles to advance through the levels.
The main difference from DAL'X and Q*BERT is the fact that the hero of the game is... well... a penis.
Who wants to play as Mario or Luigi when you can jump, shoot and platform yourself through all the levels while controlling a wiener, right?
We finish our trifecta of MediGoGo games with another genre shift, but still sticking with the theme that seems to penetrate every game they make in that you play as a Dick Johnson, but this time in the 2D side-scroller ARCAD'X that money shot onto PC and MAC in 1995.
Here you take charge of a more cartoonish looking Johnson called Nestor Burnos, complete with his own dungarees and condom mask, as he journeys the land, shooting bubbles at enemies as he searches for his missing fiancee Maeva. You have the standard fare of bonus point pick-ups (condoms, of course), health (even your health-bar at the bottom has the shape of a "dong"), and keys to unlock new areas, as well as secret areas and end of level/zone bosses.
For the most part, ARCAD'X is actually an okay game and in it's own immature way, kind of cute. Fans of good old MS-DOS platform games will probably enjoying playing this one. If you don't mind angry cock and bouncing titties as enemies or trees drawn in the shape of naked women, you'd probably have a lot of fun with this game.
If you do manage to play through all 7 platformer levels, you'll be treated to a live-action porn scene (in low resolution, that is... Don't forget, this is still a 90's game). As a little bonus, the password screen that appears each time you'll finish a level, showcases some eye-candy of two pixelated lesbian chicks getting a little naughty together as well.
Dick Sucks - Terror in Titfield (2004)
Craving for more side-scrolling penis action? We've got you covered! Now for a bit more recent example, but still over 16 years old, the 2004 PC title from the (in)famous adult game studio Redfire Software, Dick Sucks - Terror in Titfield is so ramped up in goofiness, it even turns your mouse cursor into the titular (no pun intended) hero himself.
This interesting game puts you in the balls of eponymous Dick, who has to find the switch to open the level exit and then travel to said exit to progress through the levels. In regards to the story, from what I can piece together, sex toys made by the company "SillyCon" have become alive and it's up to Dick to stop them before they...take over, I guess?
Dick is impeded in his quest by dangerous foes like bouncing breasts and jumping condoms, and more passive, environmental elements like fans and slime to make his platforming progress harder.
He also gets a number of power-ups like ghost mode which makes him impervious to damage, super jump which (as you may have guessed) grants him a greater jump height, and piercing mode which gives him a revolving stud collar around him, defeating any enemies who he comes into contact with.
All in all, this is a fairly rigid platformer where, unless you enjoy pin-up style drawings of woman and/or sexual content, you could probably find a good time elsewhere. If you somehow feel you MUST play a platformer game involving a schlong, go with the previously mentioned ARCAD'X instead for a more solid gameplay.
Viz: The Soft Floppy One (1991)
Viz: The Soft Floppy One or also known as Viz: The Game, was an adult comical video game based on the famous and popular British comic of the same name, and was released in 1991 for the Amiga, Atari ST, Spectrum, Amstrad, Commodore 64, and even PC.
Fair is fair, while you don't actually get to play as a "wiener" in this game, that being said, there is however, one playable character named Buster Gonad, which seems to have a gigantic pair of balls. In fact, Buster's testicles are so big that he gets to use "them" to bounce off the floor. So I guess that still counts?
I mean, what would a penis be without a large pair of balls hanging underneath? We've got to paint a complete picture here, that's why we've included Viz here too. That's journalism for ya.
In this British production filled with the type of (toilet) humour the UK and the Viz comics are kinda known for, the player has to defeat his opponents in an Olympics event. Some game critics even called the game an "alternative racing game". And well, "alternative" it is for sure.
There are 5 different "races" available in this special kind of Olympics game. The player has to win the races at the forest, town, building site, beach and even at the night club.
Kiss 'n Kill - The Ultimate Condom Simulator (1998)
Meet Archibald and his bodyguard Condomradin, two two heroes, or should we say - the two "dicks" and stars of the adult space invaders-clone Kiss 'n Kill. This little educational and odd little gem of a game got made by Kimey Fun Media and released in 1998 on CD-ROM (for PC and MAC).
Kiss 'n Kill aka The Ultimate Condom Simulator is available in both German and English language, and supposedly was made to educate people on safe sex and the usage of condoms.
Besides a few small bonus games on the disc, such as a jigsaw puzzle and a memory card game, the main game is a straight up clone of the classic Space Invaders. Only this time, you've guessed it, you're in control of a Willy. Instead of shooting space ships with bullets, you'll have avoid and shoot all sorts of enemies from the sky using your salty fluids. The type of enemies which you really don't want to see falling on your "big buddy", not in a video game, and especially not in real life either. There's a ton of different enemies to avoid, ranging from barbwire to snakes and TNT.
There are 7 different levels, all of which are on a different locations ranging from Siberia to Paradise, The Emergency Room and even Hell, complete with different and matching enemies and power-ups. The player gets to unlock animated cut-scenes when reaching a certain score. If you've ever wondered how a Space Invaders game involving a penis would look like, here's your answer.
Of course such an odd little game like this just had to be made in Germany. Always those "crazy" German people, right?
Download Kiss 'N Kill
Wait a minute! Now that I come to think about it, so far, all the games on today's list have been made in Europe. Hmmmm... What does that say about European people? Just a weird coincidence or do I "smell" a pattern here? Who knows?
Oh well, moving on! What about some more modern gaming titles with "Willy" as the main protagonist? I guess it's the kind of joke that never gets old because games about dicks are still being made, yes, even today.
Genital Jousting (2018)
And finally we come to our only game on Steam, but be sure, there are plenty of other sexual-themed games to find on the Steam Store, but that's another article for another day.
Fully titled, "Genital Jousting: The Story of John", this simulator game from FreeLives is a game of two halves; one focuses on John (a penis) as you help him live his life, go to work, and find true love. The other half of the game was the originally intended design which was an unorthodox and silly party game where you (and up to 8 others) control a penis as you battle in various mini-games that mimic the fundamental mechanics of things like Rocket League and Gang Beasts.
While Genital Jousting is a great laugh for the ridiculousness alone as you wrestle against your best friend and throw him out of a wrestling ring by his anus, FreeLives developed a full story mode that tells the tale of John who needs to find a date for his high school reunion.
The gameplay is mostly a simulator experience similar to something like Octodad (yet somehow with a greater level of absurdity), with a British woman narrating John's expansive journey, not too far away from the same device used in The Stanley Parable.
If you had a cracking time bashing your pals around in Gang Beasts, this game is right up your street. You can get Genital Jousting at Steam.
Get it at Steam
The latest and greatest side-scrolling action game with a main protagonist that happens to be a schlong? That's got to be the recently released (27 September, 2020) - "Cockhead", a fun little parody of the highly popular (retro-style) platformer we all adore: Cuphead!
Being a parody of Cuphead, you'll know what to expect - Awesome retro styled Big Band style music, hand-drawn artwork, sprites and graphics but of course, this time around, involving a lot more "cock and balls". The game was developed by Yoba Games and is available on Steam.
Don't expect any erotic elements in Cockhead, it's just all for fun and giggles, a fun little comical game for those that enjoy a good amount of "bad taste" penis-jokes. I guess that makes me the target audience for titles like this, because I have to admit, I got a soft spot for funny smut like this. I mean, who doesn't enjoy a story about a penis going on an adventure, right?
In addition to the platforming gameplay, there are even some levels which play more like a side-scrolling shoot 'em up (while you're on a plane). Hell, even the weapons in Cockhead are cock-shaped.
Think you got the balls to take on all the end-bosses, which includes a flying demon that happens to look like a vagina? If so, go have some fun with this indie title you can play for less than $5 on Steam.
Get it at Steam
Have fun playing with your Willy by checking out any of the seven games mentioned above.